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Breaking through my shame and anger
My husband lives in the whirlwind created from a long bout of destructive choices. Unwittingly, I joined the whirlwind when I married him three years ago. I threw away precious days and hours of my life trying to uncover the what, where, and why in his life. The only way I knew to survive was to stay one step ahead of him at all times.
I became obsessed with predicting his mood and his responses, checking his cell phone calls, searching his pockets and his vehicle for evidence of his whereabouts. I tried drinking with him. I tried nagging and shaming him. I tried to make myself thinner and more attractive for him. I cried and railed about him to a trusted friend.
Nothing I did eased my pain. In fact, my efforts only increased my anxiety and my obsession. My failure to control him—ultimately my failure to control myself—made me angry, frustrated, and confused. We were newlyweds! He should love me more than the bottle, right?
I turned my anger toward the people and things I thought I could control—my children and the dog. As I screamed and raged at them instead of him, I knew that what I was doing was wrong. The shame almost took me under.
My doctor sensed a problem and prescribed medicine for anxiety and depression. The tentacles of this mess were reaching out to affect my children, my friends, and family as I isolated myself more and more from them. How could I let anyone see what I was allowing to go on in my family? On the outside, we were a perfect family.
One day I jumped away from the whirlwind. I took myself to an Al-Anon meeting. As the members were sharing their stories with the newcomer (me), I laughed between my tears.
All the dirty secrets I held so close were being revealed by the other members. I was not unique! The details might change a little, but the behaviors were the same. I felt free. I could breathe easily—big deep breaths which calmed me. How could I have thought I was the only one?
In this group, I can speak without shame and be heard with understanding and empathy. I am learning how to live life with dignity by listening at meetings, reading the literature, and writing, Writing allows me to slow down and process a situation, leading me to act rather than react.
By Stefanie B., Michigan
The Forum, October 2010
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